Another Nightmare
by Diane Klepper
Summary: Tom remembers past nightmares he had throughout his life.


Another Nightmare  
  
  
  
By Diane Klepper  
  
  
  
(Author's Note: This story is set after the sixth season episode "Memorial".)  
  
  
  
  
  
Tom Paris- Personal Log  
  
  
  
  
  
It's four in the morning and I'm afraid to close my eyes. It's the third time this   
  
week that I woke up with the same dream. I keep seeing all those Nakaan civilians being   
  
murdered. Doc keeps saying the dreams will fade and I hope he is right. I have enough   
  
real life nightmares to live with.  
  
  
  
I guess I have been having nightmares for as long as I can remember. Some of my   
  
earliest memories have me climbing into bed with my parents after waking up from a   
  
nightmare when I was three years old. Those nightmares consisted of monsters I saw in   
  
scary holo-programs my sisters had. By the time I was four, my farther started lecturing   
  
me about how a dream shouldn't scare me. He said I wasn't a baby anymore and I should   
  
start acting like a man. After that, whenever I had a bad dream, I use to hide under my   
  
blanket holding my teddy bear, crying until the sun came out. A few times, when my   
  
father was away on a mission, I use to climb into bed with my mom, but I was too afraid   
  
my dad would find out and yell at me. By the time I was five, I use to just stay in my   
  
room and pray for morning to arrive.  
  
  
  
As I got older, the dreams changed. After I started flying, many of my nightmares   
  
had me in a shuttle with my dad. He sat there lecturing me on how I had to keep the   
  
shuttle straight and saying I would never be good enough to fly for Starfleet. I use to   
  
wake up sweating and spent the rest of the night staring at the stars, wishing I could be   
  
there instead of my father's house.  
  
  
  
When I was thirteen I fell asleep in class after a sleepless night and I was sent to   
  
the school counselor. The counselor asked me if I had any problems at home. I gave her   
  
my best lopsided grin and told her everything was great at home. I could tell from the   
  
way she looked at me, she didn't believe me. She mentioned that my grades were going   
  
down and it was very common for people who came from high-ranking Starfleet families   
  
to have problems with things like sleep. As I sat in her office she called my mom and   
  
made an appointment to talk to my parents the next day. I don't know what was said at   
  
that meeting, but when my parents came home, my father was very angry and the next   
  
day I was transferred to a military prep school.  
  
  
  
By the time I entered Starfleet Academy, the nightmares didn't come as   
  
frequently. I guess the fact that I made it into the Academy gave me some confidence.   
  
Also, at the time my dad was busy with some sort of negotiations on Vulcan so he was   
  
pretty much leaving my alone.  
  
  
  
After graduation I thought I had it made. I was a Starfleet officer and I was doing   
  
the thing I loved most…I was flying. Then Caldik Prime happened. At first, I thought it   
  
was one of my nightmares, but this time I was awake. I was responsible for three deaths-   
  
three of my best friends. When I woke up in the hospital after the accident I was under so   
  
much medication I thought maybe I dreamed the whole thing. But when the medication   
  
wore off, I started remembering what happened. That night, as I fell into a restless sleep, I   
  
heard my crewmates' dying screams in my dreams.  
  
  
  
The next day I remember waking up and seeing my parents and sisters standing   
  
by my bio-bed in the infirmary. I saw tears coming down my mom's cheeks. Both Moira   
  
and Kathleen gave me hugs and I saw a look of concern on my dad's face. He looked at   
  
me and said in a gentle voice, "Son, what happened?" As I looked into his eyes, I   
  
remembered all the times I did something wrong. For some reason, I just couldn't   
  
disappoint him again. It came out of my mouth before I knew what I said. I blamed   
  
Bruno for the accident. I told me Dad he was the lead pilot who pulled up too late. To   
  
this day I still don't know why the lie came out so easily. I just didn't realize how hard it   
  
would be to live with that lie.  
  
  
  
After the formal inquiry, where I repeated my lie, I went back to flying. I thought   
  
I could forget what happened and get on with the rest of my life. But every night I saw   
  
my crewmates in my dreams. The really weird part was that they didn't seem to be mad   
  
at me for the accident. They seemed to feel sorry for me. After seeing my dead friends in   
  
my dreams for three weeks I went to the infirmary and asked the doctor for something to   
  
help sleep. The doctor gave me a complete examination and said there was nothing   
  
wrong with me and suggested that I talk to a counselor. Yeah, right, I couldn't admit that   
  
the accident was my fault to myself, how could I tell a counselor that I am responsible for   
  
three deaths? After, that, I started drinking a lot before I went to bed. I thought if I passed   
  
out in a stupor the dreams wouldn't come. The dreams still came and I was put on report   
  
because I came to work late five times over a two-week period.  
  
  
  
Then one night, after a really awful dream, I just knew that I couldn't live with the   
  
guilt anymore. I knew I was throwing away my career, but I had to confess. I still   
  
remember the look on my father's face when I was forced to resign from Starfleet. He   
  
had such anger in his eyes as he walked out of the courtroom. After that, I just drifted for   
  
a while, trying to run away from my dreams. But the dreams followed me wherever I   
  
went. I spent my nights drinking and playing pool at Sandrine's and I spent my days   
  
sleeping off the effects of the alcohol. I didn't let anyone get close to me because after   
  
Caldik Prime all my so- called Starfleet friends rejected me. I even drove off Sandrine   
  
with my behavior. I remember her telling me, "Thomas, I do not want you to come back   
  
here. I can't stop you from drinking your life away but I don't have to watch."  
  
  
  
One week later, I joined the Maquis. They were desperate for pilots and they even   
  
accepted me with my track record. After I joined the Maquis the dreams stopped for a   
  
while, but the night I was caught and put in a Starfleet detention cell, a new nightmare   
  
took over. In this nightmare, my father was yelling at me and saying that he knew I   
  
would never amount to anything. I woke up in a cold sweat and stared at the prison cell's   
  
force field for the rest of the night. It's funny, after I was sent to New Zealand, the   
  
nightmares stopped. I guess the long hours of work I was given enabled me to go back to   
  
my cell and pass out most nights without having nightmares. 


End file.
